Internet bank admits all payments are carried by one pigeon

Published 23:47 GMT   |   By our very special correspondent

First-e, the internet bank, has unveiled its revolutionary online payment system: a pigeon called Malcolm with a small envelope attached to his ankle.

Customers simply click PAY NOW. A man in Swindon then prints the internet, folds the relevant bit and explains the transaction to Malcolm. Payments usually clear within three working days, provided nobody nearby is eating chips.

The system went offline on Tuesday after Malcolm entered a church and refused to discuss a £4.20 bread-bin purchase. A spokesperson described this as ‘scheduled maintenance of the bird’.

For added security, all passwords must contain one capital letter, one number and a convincing impression of a pigeon. Please do not send money. Malcolm is already carrying quite enough.

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